Day 36
The Jungle Revelation 

/absurdist comedy/ 

 I know you are wondering why I didn’t take advantage of the Gunung Kinabalu Kingdom’s opportunities, the Warrior Farm’s techniques, or at least sought help from the ‘too-many-to-count’ assistants that the previous king had. I don’t even know what to tell you; the problem was everything happened too fast. I didn’t get the opportunity to even think about acquiring some advice or assistance. On the other hand, I was preoccupied with the shining bodies I met along the way – the true stars of this distant land – and I simply couldn’t resist their dangerous game. But if I’d tried, my anaconda would have stopped me. 

I thought about all that, as well as Margaret Thatcher, my mother, captain Happy, and my enemy Arcadio, while hanging upside down on an abandoned piece of the field far beyond the borders of the Warrior Farm. I knew that shouting wouldn’t help in any way, so I decided to surrender to the will of fate – I stopped breathing. I thought: The birds are shitting on me? Why not? They’re welcome to! Am I hungry and cold? Whatever. The sooner I die, the better. 

 And in the end, I was so resigned to my fate that I wasn’t paying attention when Madame Jack approached my tree – coming from nowhere – and began to poke his gross face into my sweaty hair. I shuddered and swung like a pendulum. My whole body began to vibrate from the horrors of what was to come next, getting ready to be eaten by the ugly Madame Jack. 

 After a couple of minutes, the old rope was snapped. My heart stopped: my body fell right on the head of Madame Jack, turning him into a tiny pancake. I was smeared in his thick greasy blood and hair until I looked like a vampire. Upon closer inspection of his insides, I realized he was a perfectly built biological robot. Despite the terrifying sight of the trampled, burned-out earth around me, the lost mask of Alphonso Beard, and a bloody pool under the tree, I somehow brushed myself off and, with my hands still tied behind my back, started to run along the edge of the field, hobbling on one leg, hiding between creepy bushes. 

Tormented like a blind puppy, I stumbled into something soft, warm, and pleasant after several minutes of exhausting running. My lifeline turned out to be the breasts of my old friend – Ms. Sedative. I know you’ll be surprised to hear that – believe me, I was surprised just as you are right now – but my silent anaconda lifted its head and whispered: “I’m getting starved here. I could penetrate a wall right now, couldn’t you?”  

 The sense of odd lustfulness oppressed me. I tried to focus my attention on the ramblings of the worried Ms. Sedative but failed to maintain it. She untied my hands, and they immediately began the process of discovering her silky skin, platinum-colored hips, and confident lips smelling of coffee. An orgasm of fire twisted my heart: it completely drained my body’s strength. My anaconda transformed my fears into magnificent sensations – despite the emotion of some alien-ness, or better say, the feeling of not belonging with this woman, moment, or journey – I continued our dance on the soggy dirt as a crazy fanatic. 

 Little by little, I slowed down. I felt curiously disgusted with the darkness my anaconda possessed: a piece of dead flesh, really, the non-existent friend.
“I thought you were dead, Bullet. Does Mrs. Vegas know you are alive?” Ms. Sedative asked.
“I don’t know. I have to find the box with the bacteriophages.”
“All right. Now? And what then?”
“I’ll explain to you later. I want you to go back to my castle and…” I stopped. Ms. Sedative rubbed her perfect hands against my exhausted anaconda.
“I think I’m pregnant,” she said.
I pulled her face closer to mine, shocked: “We don’t know each other that long… And I can’t get married right now. I’m in the process of marrying Mrs. Vegas; then I got one more wife, or widow, Mrs. Sweet HellFire.”
“Um, I wouldn’t mind being married to you, too. And I don’t need to know you for a long time. I know what you’re like already, darling Bullet.”
“Hm, I dunno about one more wife.” I paused for a moment, passed a hand over my wet forehead, and wiped my damp fingers on the grass pile behind her back.
Ms. Sedative looked surprised: “You should be more like Arcadio! He always takes a serious interest in serious questions like this!”
“What? Have you said to that maniac I’m the father?”
“Yes. And Arcadio promised he’s going to kill you… I don’t know why. I didn’t ask him; we were too busy.” Ms. Sedative giggled.
That giggle penetrated my poor kind heart. I gazed at her pretty face without replying. She glanced behind my back, shook her head, and smiled. At that moment, I swear I could smell the familiar odor of Etro Bananas Tisstoni perfume – the mad crew of Ms. Sedative was approaching us. 

 The last time I met her gang – Dinkie Dow, Blanca Speed, Spider Blue, Holly Terror and Candy de Beast – it nearly gave me diarrhea. But I’m romantic; I need a real punch in the solar plexus to stop me from feeling excited and ready for a new dope party.
“I thought we were alone. What are they doing here?” I asked bitterly.
“We all need friends to lean on. They can help you to find box #9.”
I accepted the help: I’d stopped wondering whether the girls were good or evil long ago. And it didn’t matter a damn after the news I’d just got. I suddenly felt as if I’d turned into a giant – I was going to be a father! I felt absurdly happy… 

 While waiting for the ladies to come closer, the new, almost rhapsodical thrill was aroused in me again. I winked at the coral sunset light and said in a low voice to my brave anaconda: “How long does it take them to discover your magic, Bonehead?”