Day 33
The New Wife
/absurdist comedy/
The jangling melody from a glowing screen woke me up. I cleared my throat, expecting to hear the voice of the Second Assistant, then rolled over the flawless, naked body of Mrs. Vegas – a gentle soul from Rsa, full of frantic tricks in the field of tantric love – who opened one eye to see if I was trying to run away from my morning duties.
“Ms. Break de Roof? I asked.
The new blue screen lit up, and the familiar face of my personal enemy #1, Arcadio Hardstone, appeared above me, smiling. He was standing outside, surrounded by long-haired nymphs of different sizes and shapes with cocktails in their hands, moving to the beat of the demonic music in the background.
“We need to talk to you, Alphonso,” Arcadio Hardstone said. Behind him danced Captain Happy, sipping on a beer. I noticed that he spoke to someone behind the screen and giggled.
“Hey, fellas,” I responded royally after a short pause. “Why such a hurry? Come over to my wedding and we’ll discuss your problems.”
“I think we need to meet up before the wedding, Mr. Beard, as a matter of some urgency,” Arcadio insisted.
“Legal urgency? Maybe my assistant can help you.”
“I don’t think so… You know someone who knows someone who might know someone who knows someone we can’t find right now.”
“Well, if that someone’s got a beautiful smile, I’m all in,” I exclaimed with a note of superior dominance.
We agreed to meet at 6 pm in the Medical Center. After a long fitting, I chose the perfect suit, powdered my animated mask, and stepped into the light, satisfied with my appearance. Behind the door, I faced a queue of strangers discussing the details of the sudden death of Mr. Harmless and the current problems between the Beluga Clan and The Warrior Farm. I wanted to join their discussion, but the Second Assistant pulled me out through the tunnel and shoved me into a black car.
The car delivered my royal body to the door of my old palace. I rang, expecting to see a beautiful widow, but was annoyed to be met with the woman who opened the door because her face was utterly unfamiliar to me – it seemed LKED was spreading at the speed of light in this country. I explained my early, unscheduled visit shortly.
“Ah, my poor, poor angel, Bullet. To turn a healthy, smart, strong man into a piece of rotten flesh is what our Kingdom does best…” cried Mrs. Sweet Hellfire.
“I’m not sure if you are aware of it, but I’m representing the Kingdom, my dear,” I said, convincing myself that I had to play along.
“I just lost my husband,” Mrs. Sweet Hellfire shouted. “Give me a bit of peace, will you? I need to do some grieving today, Mr. Beard.”
“Right, then I’ll leave you alone,” I said, taking a quick last look around — no lights in the rooms, no sign of cherry cake in the kitchen. Yes, Alexander Raphael was gone.
“It’s a bit of a spacious house for one person, though,” I continued. “Maybe you want to do something about it. It’s your choice; either you’ll stay here and spend quality time with your King, or you can risk going back to the woods.”
The crying stopped. The widow stretched her long, milky arms and pushed me toward the empty chair near the exit door. The meaning of her next move was loud and clear.
“Let me skip foreplays, my King!” She growled and stripped down my trousers. Her dominant tone had sent shivers down my spine.
When Mrs. Sweet Hellfire fit my entire spindle inside her cave, I crawled down and began to guide her in the best direction. She looked above me for the last time… and asked, “Hm, what is your driver doing here?”
I glanced back. Just as I remembered him, the one and only Captain Happy stood in the daily sunlight. His expression was mischievous; I couldn’t tell how long he’d been here.
“That move made me a little jealous, Mr. Beard,” Captain Happy whispered through his teeth.
I laughed nervously: “I’m not sure what you saw. We were just trying to figure out how to continue with our lives after the death of our beloved friend, Mr. Harmless.”
“Yeah, sure. I liked the intensity. I think… last time I felt this kind of intensity was in a random bathroom with Martha.”
It took sixty-two seconds before the image of Martha, my ex-wife, and Captain Happy sank in and expanded in my chest.
“When was that exactly?” I asked suspiciously. My always-ready-to-fight spindle was ripped from the pleasure of discovering the dark corners of Mrs. Sweet Hellfire, who willingly surrendered to my charms. I was truly disappointed, but I couldn’t stop myself from learning the truth about Martha’s betrayal.
“A couple of years ago. I met her through Bullet’s mother. Didn’t I tell you all that when we started to plan our game?”
I knew those words would haunt me forever. I was lured to the distant Land of killers, stupid idlers and mad addicts by the women I trusted most. The reaction of Mrs. Sweet Hellfire wasn’t quite what I had expected: she adjusted the chair, lay flat on her back and welcomed her new guest.
“Hey, Happy, it’s almost 6 pm,” I mumbled.
Then I pulled my new blazer over my animated head as a cover and sat in the middle of the corridor for about an hour or so. I listened to the roar of a satisfied Captain Happy and wondered what the hell had gone wrong (again!), what I could do next, and where all my seven leggy servants (with Bluetooth tails) were. Tired of waiting, I collapsed on the floor, still haunted by Happy’s confession about Martha’s involvement in my current situation. The lewd sounds of Mrs. Sweet Hellfire made me grit my teeth harder. I saw how she arched her back, giving Captain Happy total access to her surprisingly stretchy playground. The floor began to shake, and her first growl, “the storm is hereeee!” changed my seating position… I gripped my spindle and prayed they’d continue for a while. ‘For a while’ lasted for hours.
When the three of us lay quietly on the floor, staring at each other, I sighed and said, “I have something planned for this evening, Mrs. Sweet Hellfire, but after my wedding night, I’m absolutely free.”
Captain Happy smirked. “We need to go now, Alphonso. Martha and Arcadio are waiting in the Medical Center.”
“What?! No way, I’m not going,” I grunted. Captain Happy didn’t listen. He took my left hand and dragged me out to his orange car, Lamborghini Aventador.
This Kingdom is fucking with my head, I said to myself. Look at your life, King Bullet… Hmm, on the bright side, I could be in bed with Martha right now, so life could always be worse.
x x
The rusty door of the neurological facility of the famous Medical Center WF opened, and four people with outstretched arms welcomed me into the giant, never-ending courtyard. The place smelled of cigarettes and grease; a hundred benches nearly as long as a railway station stood near the dirty walls, and the broken windows were covered with a purple sheet. On the right side of the entrance stood a built-in 79% alcohol machine. As it turned out, only two people, Doctor Constanza Lovesick and her half-brother Bip SoBeIt ran the center. While holding hands, they kneeled before me with a smile.
Behind them stood Arcadio (without his beloved Jack) and a tall woman of exceptional beauty hanging frivolously on his right shoulder.
“Would you introduce me to your lady?” I asked him after we shook hands.
“This is Martha. Her third version, after she got infected with LKED.”
“Is… it… so?” I almost choked on my own saliva.
“Yeah, beautiful, but still like rat poison. Be careful, Alphonso!” Captain Happy whispered in my ear. “She forced Bip SoBeIt to marry her yesterday.”
“What! How?”
“I don’t know. Some are saying it was at gunpoint; others, she fed him ackee fruit and he almost died.”
My spindle woke up. Perhaps he was trying to remind me that he was in charge, and all he could think about was getting the woman – who stood and laughed near Arcadio – in his bed. I didn’t care about the reason. I simply agreed with him: in the moments like this, I let my imagination run wild…
