Chunky Burger, 18+ (humorous absurd horror story)

PART 1

Heroes:

Mr. DareToKill – co-owner of Chunky Burger restaurant
Mr. CruelMemories – co-owner of Chunky Burger restaurant
Mrs. WetHope – cleaner and account
Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance – a rich mogul
Mr. WideOpenMind – secretary of Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance
Mrs. PromiseOfLove – wife of Mr. WideOpenMind
Mr. AgainstTheRules – a drug dealer

Place: a small town “PerfectlySafeStop.”

x x x

Being the owner of a business has its rises and downfalls. Sometimes, days shine like a million diamonds. Sometimes you are sitting with a crap in your milk… When you are at the last stage – please, follow the footsteps of Mr. DareToKill  and “never give up”.

 x x x

Autumn 2019. October 27.

Mr. CruelMemories was sitting in the park, hatefully watching young people passing by. The new generation has begun to eat very healthy: veganism and working out had doubled in popularity during the last couple of years. That was the main reason his restaurant “Chunky Burger” ended up empty this fall.

Mr. CruelMemories feared that the burger-business would suffocate, die, perish…  

His baby
His life
His heart

He heard his phone ringing – it was Mr. DareToKill, his business partner.
“Hey, Big Daddy! Are you still weeping your heart out at the park?” said Mr. DareToKill.
“Yes. There’s nothing to smile about.”
“Incorrect! I’m having Mrs. WetHope on her knees, sucking my carrot, rolled in the spicy tomato sauce!”
“Who is Mrs. WetHope?” asked surprised Mr. CruelMemories.
“Our cleaner… mmm-magical lips.”
“How come I have never met her?”
“She is working at the Department of Finance by day, as an accountant. She cleans only after 7pm.”
“Why is an accountant working as a cleaner?”
“She loves carrots and spicy sauce.” Laughed Mr. DareToKill.
The groans and wet smacking made Mr. CruelMemories feel uncomfortable. He found the strength to ask:
“Why are you calling in the middle of it all? To tease me?”
“I have a reason to believe we can save our business…” answered Mr. DareToKill.

He explained his grim idea in detail – with the approaching Halloween, it was an absolutely outstanding plan for saving “Chunky Burger”. Mr. CruelMemories rushed down to meet his best friend. Hope, desire to succeed and blind faith had pulled him closer to the most dangerous decision of his life.

x x x

Mr. CruelMemories looked down at the piece of paper his partner had slapped onto the table. Again. On the note was a badly drawn pumpkin head with the words:

‘Enemy Burger Deal’ 

Cheap, yummy and quick –
with the head of your enemy attached!
Order now!

Mr. CruelMemories grinned: “What a killer idea!” It took them no time to declare their new release to the press. The article landing on the first page of the newspaper announced:

Tasty Crispy Bloody Head of Your Enemy – a real Paradise for your mouth!
We, at “Chunky Burger”, will blow your mind away…
Fill your hatred with something juicy and grilled this Halloween!

“Chunky Burger” had gotten a lot of curiosity from the younger population of the city. Some were unsure whether or not it was serious: how could a restaurant possibly serve a decapitated head, right?

x x x

29^th of October “Chunky Burger” had received an alarming order from a rather popular person – Mr. AgainstTheRules. He was well known in the area for his drug dealings. 

Mr. AgainstTheRule wandered into the restaurant with a metallic lasso in hand.  He was a gigantic man with a long beard and short stinky fingers. He licked his teeth and approached the counter: slowly rested his arms against the counter top and leaned over to get the attention of two men standing behind it.

“I want an enemy burger. Double size!” he spoke up.
“Of course, I’d advice the burger with sliced tomato, beetroot, horseradish sauce, iceberg lettuce, watercress and our homemade mayo.” Was the answer he got back.

Mr. CruelMemories and Mr. DareToKill were thrilled – their first time receiving the order of the newly announced Enemy-burger.

“With the head of my neighbor, Mr. WideOpenMind. REAL one!!” added Mr. AgainstTheRules.

Four eyes behind the counter were shocked – he wanted the HEAD of his neighbour, for real? Two men glanced at the menu and then at the enormous belly of Mr. AgainstTheRules. They didn’t want to kill anyone.

At least not yet.
Not for such cheap price.

If they were to go so far as to kill, then… they would definitely have to raise the rate.

Murder didn’t come for free!

Luckily for the two of them, Mr. AgainstTheRules left quietly. It was clear he might have been expecting them to follow through with his special order.

Two friends started to stew on the prospect of the murder. They were sitting in the empty restaurant – eyes narrowed in thought.
“This is our time – win or lose!” Said Mr. DareToKill.
“Are you out of your mind?” whispered Mr. CruelMemories.
“No big deal… It’s a ‘do or die’ moment, my friend.” Added Mr. DareToKill, sarcastically.

Mr. CruelMemories glared in horror at his best friend and partner. His expression changed to I-d-kill-for-the-almighty-dollar-but-…-look. They sat in silence for a few seconds.

Mr. DareToKill disappeared into the kitchen and returned with Mrs. WetHope, hanging on his arm. She was lovely: with a blue rubber ball around her neck. Mr. CruelMemories would gladly dig into her body, but he wasn’t a fan of such spontaneous events. Mr. DareToKill smiled: “Maybe she’d convince you…” and left the room.

“Blow my flute,” ordered Mr. CruelMemories. He felt at his stomach contracted at the thought of playing with her mouth.
“I’m afraid we’ll ruin the floor. I just cleaned it…” a face of Mrs. WetHope was expressionless, but her eyes said it all.

Mr. CruelMemories wanted to hurt her: “I’m aware of that. I’ll wash it. I know HOW.”

Mrs. WetHope patted him on the arm and smiled: “You are a sweet little boy… It looks like you have your hands full with this little cutie-pipe.”

“His name is Tarzan.” He paused for effect. 

Mrs. WetHope grabbed it: “Hey Tarzan. How old are you, in inches? I barely can see you… Ah, never mind. That never stopped me.”

It didn’t take long before Mrs. WetHope climbed up on the counter and jumped on the bewildered man. Heart touching *flute* music filled the space of the room. Two minutes later, he was done.

x x x

Mr. DareToKill dashed into the room, slapped jelly butt of Mrs. WetHope and wiped the sweat from her nipples.
“In only two days, we’d become very rich people and leave this PerfectShitStop of the city! We got only one chance, bud! Let’s go…” he said to his exhausted partner.

When the two of them were driving, Mr. DareToKill explained: to obtain more money – he had arranged a meeting with Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance. The man himself was well known for being successful, no doubt – the richest in their small town. If they could convince him to order at least one of their Enemy burgers – it would save their lives and pay all their bills as well. There was no way Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance would have an issue with paying EXTRA for the murder!

x x x

Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance rose a brow and leaned back in his seat, checking the identity card of Mr. CruelMemories.

“Enemy Burger you say…” he mumbled, glancing up at the ceiling “yeah, I think I heard of it over the local radio.”

Two grins on the opposite side of the room widened – hallelujah, he was familiar with their product.

“You’re a powerful man, Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance. Surely you have an enemy you’d like taken out, on the side of a juicy burger of course!” Mr. DareToKill added.

It was true. He had many people that he didn’t want in his life, but one came to mind above all.

“Alright, I’ll buy one of your burgers. I’d like it with the head of my PA, or secretary. His name is Mr. WideOpenMind. His wife, Mrs. PromiseOfLove, is my mistress… I’m too fuckin’ tied of Mr. WideOpenMind getting in between us. I’m willing to pay a handsome price, fellas.”

Did he say Mr. WideOpenMind?

That would mean two of their customers had the same victim in mind, and therefore, the owners of “Chunky Burger” could kill two birds with one stone. And if they’d kill that annoying Mr. WideOpenMind and show his head to both customers – Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance and Mr. AgainstTheRules – they could double their funds.

“Happy to take your order sir! We’ll have your enemy-burger ready in no time!” Mr. DareToKill flashed his best-service-in-the-city-smile once again.

to be continued…
(tomorrow – part 2)